Doomed New Company Tragically Advertises without Jingle

KINGSTON – A visibly distraught Anthony Harris, owner of StuffMart, rues the day that he approved the most confusing advertising campaign ever to hit Jamaican airwaves. In a move that has alienated consumers nationwide, the fledgling company has promoted itself with a number of strange a cappella songs absent of any discernible rhythm. “That’s because they’re not songs,” said Harris, struggling to understand his error. “Someone shop here please.”

After 6 months and even fewer customers, the young entrepreneur admits that he should have listened to his family, none of whom have stepped foot inside the conveniently located department store to date. When reached for comment, Colin Harris, brother of the failure, stood his ground: “You hear the ad? Not a single high note, or even a little choreographed dance,” said the perplexed Mr. Harris. “I can’t wrap my mind around it.”

UGS spoke with marketing expert Sonia Grace who shared that while it is clear StuffMart has the lowest prices in Kingston, the company signed its death warrant the moment their a-rhythmic commercial first hit local airwaves. “Everyone knows there’s a positive linear relationship between singing and purchasing in the context of the Jamaican market,” said the expert, stating the obvious. “This is basic science.”

Finally coming to terms with his glaring failure, Mr. Harris admitted that the next step for StuffMart may be to “give up” and “succumb to the weight of [his] crippling debt.”

At press time, Harris could be seen destroying various television and radio sets inside his home, tortured by the catchy tunes of “that [expletive] ThingsMart song.”