JCF Struggles to Come to Terms with U.S. Police Shootings, Still Not Sure What Big Deal Is


KINGSTON – The Jamaica Constabulary Force was left speechless this morning after gathering to view the Walter Scott police shooting video in an effort to determine what all the fuss is about. “We’re still not sure what to make of it,” said an officer of the Barnett Street Police Station, scratching his head in disbelief. “Is it the way he’s holding his gun?”

The “standard operation” is the latest in a recent spate of allegedly unsettling video recordings which capture unarmed black civilians being fatally gunned down by US police forces.

Superintendent Percival Daley, who arranged the viewing, has since convened a special task force to search the video in question for clues as to the source of the public outcry. “We intend to get to the bottom of what appears to be another in a series of blameless misunderstandings,” said the Superintendent, who admitted to being equally shaken up by the chillingly uncontroversial police killings of US citizens Tamir Rice, Charley Robinet, Lavall Hall, Michael Brown and Eric Garner.

A “genuinely stumped” Commissioner Lee Abrahams later held a press conference to ask the public for assistance in the ongoing investigation.

“We have been made to understand that the video in question contains a tragedy of some sort,” said the Commissioner in his address to the media, “and we are appealing to anyone with information to come forward with a hint, or maybe just a nudge in the right direction.”

He subsequently welcomed “any and all tipoffs on [the] mystery,” before pointing at different frames in the video and asking the press to indicate whether he was getting colder or warmer.