Maximum Security Prison to be Built for Nation’s Wagonists


KINGSTON – Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller today announced plans to design and develop a state of the art correctional facility to house the country’s recognized bandwagonists. “These people threaten the very core values of our small island nation,” said the Prime Minister to rapturous applause, “and as long as they are free, no decent citizen can feel safe in the sanctity of their deep-rooted and irreversible opinions.”

The move has been hailed as a bold new step in the right direction, garnering unwavering public support from the Jamaica Labour Party in an unprecedented display of bipartisan leadership. “Look, when you’re right, you’re right.” said Opposition Leader Andrew Holness. “The Prime Minister is trying to save the country, and this specially designed institution will ensure that shameless scum like these will never again be allowed to see the light of day.”

For years many have implored government officials to address the burning issue of sports fans and political supporters who inexplicably switch allegiance from one side to the other, but while this has proven to be a shrewd and decisive ultimatum to the flip-floppers, some experts say that it may not be enough. “How can you like one thing then change your mind and like something else? Prison is a half measure. What about exile? Is hanging still off the table?” asked political strategist Winston Scott, who would like to remind the Ministers behind the move that “prison is for human beings.”

The Jamaican public is nevertheless expected to get behind today’s announcement, with some citizens already said to be tracking down long-disowned family members in order to turn them in to authorities.

UGS caught up with St. Thomas resident Chris Redfields, known Manchester City fan since 2012, to get his opinion on the best thing to happen to Jamaica since its Independence. “Well, as long as everyone gets a fair trial,” stammered a nervous Redfields, who was later seen destroying all evidence suggesting that he ever liked the Miami Heat, Chronixx, or the Brazilian National football team.