General Sense of Hopelessness Targeted for Jamaican Export

MONA – Economists at the University of the West Indies have made a startling new discovery which positions that vague-but-definitely-there feeling of despair as a potential gold mine for the country.

The findings suggest that hopelessness, long dismissed as an occasional punctuation in every day life on the island, actually has properties so natural and unique to the Jamaican landscape that demand has risen for the commodity worldwide.

“The feeling you get when you look at your paycheck, or watch the news, or graduate University, or watch all your friends and family migrate away from you? That has value.” explained Professor David Henley, Senior Economist at the Institution. “No where else experiences this quite the way that we do, and certainly not in this abundance.”

Researchers were skeptical about the long term sustainability of the industry at first, considering the inverse relationship between economic development and steadily mounting frustration. But projections reveal that the particular nature of the island’s naked desperation actually insulates the product from the paradox.

“Jamaicans tend to be extremely cautious about the prospect of progress or prosperity, having been burned so many times in the past. As a result, we anticipate optimism to remain low, leaving a window open for what we economists call ‘growth.’

“Even with increasing consumption and a rise in the overall standard of living, citizens tend to believe that the rebounding economic climate is probably a new type of scam or something.”

The professor nearly betrayed a look of hope himself as he marveled at the scope of the implications.

“Something as simple as settling for a fraction of your earning capacity, or slowly downsizing your dreams and aspirations, can be extremely valuable to the economy in terms of raw contribution to creeping anxiety.” He explained. “And trust me, I would know.”

The results of the study have since renewed faith in the country’s future, depleting the total supply of hopelessness, and plunging the nation into useless depression.