Terrified Man Hears Own Full Name In Latest Kartel Song


KINGSTON – Local IT specialist Auburn Kaling-Pryce was frozen in terror today as he tried to come to grips with definitely hearing his first, middle and double barrel last name identified as the recipient of several heinous acts of violence on recording artiste and convicted murderer Vybz Kartel’s latest gun tune offering.

Mr. Kaling-Pryce, 35, was reportedly “totally on board” with the hot new single, Murderous Rage, until it occurred to him that “Kaling hyphen Pryce with a Y” was an eerily identical name for the “[expletive] [expletive]hole” repeatedly stabbed, shot and chopped up into unrecognizable little pieces on the recording.

Sources say that the self described defenseless father of three has since viewed the murder song in an entirely different light, and has made immediate plans to leave the island on a permanent basis, “if that’s what Kartel would like [him] to do.”

“Right off the bat, I just want to apologize to Mr. Adidjah Palmer for anything I might have said or done to offend him in any way,” said the dead man walking in a final act of desperate futility. “I’m begging here sir. Please, please spare my life. I have a wife. I have three small children that need me.”

Mr. Kaling-Pryce was later seen boarding a plane to an undisclosed location for an indefinite period of time, after issuing a tearful goodbye to his wife and daughters, who have since requested that their names be redacted for fear of further association with the probably already deceased.

Reports at press time indicate that Kartel has released yet another new song, Realest Gyalist, in which the artiste details in real time his sexual exploits with a host of different women, including the oddly specific “Mrs. Kaling-Pryce.”