Citing the fast approaching Alternatives to Religious Thinking philosophy final, and the need for something to believe in right now, local University undergraduate and former atheist Craig Davidson has, like many, fervently recommitted himself to the righteous life of praise and worship of the Christian faith.
Davidson, 21, first began to express doubts in what he then described as the “childish” and “embarrassing” concept of a higher power after his syllabus exposed him to the countercultural ideologies of Karl Marx and Friedrich Nietzsche. But the Lord Himself has since spoken to the disillusioned second year student through the recently released Humanities department exam timetable.
“I’ve been saved by the blood of Jesus,” said the born again Christian, clutching a crisp new copy of Our Daily Bread. “You hear that God? My soul belongs to you. I’m yours now.”
Leslie Samuels, girlfriend of the humble servant, reports that prior to seeing the light and the way of God’s everlasting awesomeness, Davidson would scarcely allow anyone to make mention of their faith in his presence. “Go ahead and say grace to your fictional ‘god’ while he stands idly by as millions suffer and die from torture and famine,” Davidson would reportedly scoff, laughing in ridicule, while his friends tried to enjoy their meals. “Who are you going to pray to next? Santa Clause? Spiderman?”
“But these days he’s always either fasting or cramming Bible verses or giving all his earthly possessions to the poor,” says Samuels, who would rather just study for her exams right now. “It’s a modern day miracle.”
Recognising that through Him all grades are possible, the freshly baptised believer has since gone to the Lord in prayer on multiple occasions, humbly asking for forgiveness and possibly a peek at the paper for the upcoming exam, which he neglected to study for throughout the preceding semester.
“Come and take your world, heavenly Father,” Davidson reportedly prayed, waiting for some exam related divine intervention. “And preferably sometime before May 6th, if that is Your will.”
At press time, Davidson could be seen alternating between the Qur’an, Rigveda, and Sutrakritanga in his ongoing search for an omnipotent being that would actually value his worship, recognise that he has changed his ways, and “hopefully be a little less stingy with those goddamn answers.”