Uninhabitable New Dimension Promises Truly Exclusive Party Experience


UPPER ST. ANDREW – Jamaica’s elite partygoers can once again rejoice following the news of a crucial breakthrough in the ongoing search for guaranteed exclusivity. According to Dmitri Belgrade, lead promoter of the Opulence summer party series and diehard Crocs enthusiast, the upcoming event will be held on a “lavish new dimensional plane” which can only sustain uptown life for seconds at a time but remains inaccessible to the general public.

“It’s perfect.” says Belgrade, who constructed the interdimensional portal to the netherworld out of sheer desperation. “In the past we’ve tried to keep out ‘the locals’ with exorbitant prices, openly prejudiced bouncers, and venues in alternate realities where certain major events of the past didn’t pan out as fortunately for certain people. But every single time, somehow, ‘they’ find out, and ‘they’ show up. Now, we finally have a solution.”

Undeterred by the prospect of certain death by head explosion in the hostile living environment, many of the country’s wealthiest have already booked their early bird tickets months in advance of the upscale party experience. As promoters anticipated, the focus has instead been on the literally once in a lifetime opportunity for precious few moments of revelry with one another in assured isolation.

“A couple seconds of partying in genuine safety and comfort is good enough for me,” says Norbrook resident Lauren Bailey, 19, who is reportedly just happy that her head won’t explode on “any and any body.”

“I’ll probably get to hear my favorite soca song three or four times before I die amongst the only people I should ever have to interact with. And besides, I only planned to wear these Bridgette’s once anyway.”

Sources later reported that disaster struck during a launch party for the event as a “butu” was allegedly spotted in the background of one of the photos taken on the day. But the promoters are happy to report that the false alarm was simply a patron who had been completely engulfed in the flames of the exotic locale and subsequently burnt to a crisp.