Public Hospitals Urged To Cut Costs by Burying Patients Alive

The Ministry of Health has advised all healthcare professionals to curtail the waste of precious resources by preemptively burying their patients underground and forgetting about them altogether. The recommendation comes in the wake of troubling new reports which suggest to the Ministry that doctors have been spending excessive periods of time treating patients who might die at some point in the future anyway.

“We applaud the initiative our local doctors have taken in combating austerity measures by ignoring the flies in the operating theatre, reusing single use surgery equipment and exposing themselves to infection and disease.” says Health Minister Fenton Ferguson. “But why stop there?”

The Minister’s proposal suggests the division of patients into two categories: Healthy Enough, and Burden-On-the-Hospital (BOH). “If we can speed up the fate of the Burdens, that affords us the fiscal space our broken healthcare system needs more than anything else.” He went on to console all concerned families and friends of entombed loved ones with the assurance that “these burials will be free of cost.”

The controversial plan contains safeguards to ensure that only the right living people are chosen for each week’s scheduled mass burial, but Ferguson acknowledges that mistakes will be made. “A patient should only be declared a BOH if assessed by two doctors, but if only one is available, or just a first year medical student or something, don’t let that bother you too much. The last thing we need is a backlog.”

Critics of the move are suggesting that burying citizens alive may violate parts of the Geneva Convention and “seems a lot like murder,” but the Ministry argues that patients will be humanely buried with the peace of mind that their lives have been sacrificed for real government savings.

Sources at the Spanish Town Hospital have since disclosed that due to further constraints, many wards will not be provided with shovels, and patients should prepare themselves for the likely event that they are forced to dig their own graves.