Relieved Trey Songz Comes Out To World As Virgin

In a statement that has sent shockwaves throughout the majority of the female population, singer-songwriter and former sex symbol Trey Songz has admitted to the public that, contrary to all of the music he has ever released, he has never been sexually intimate with a woman at any point in his life. “The thought alone consumes me with fear” said Mr. Steal Your Girl in his statement to the press. “You try sleeping with a woman who thinks you invented sex and see if you don’t crack under the pressure.”

Songz, whose real name is Tremaine Neverson, was hasty to point out that many of his colleagues in the music industry have also embellished their personal lives in order to appeal to their fan bases. “Let’s be real here. 50 Cent’s never even been shot once, Wiz Khalifa doesn’t inhale, and Eminem can’t go a day without calling his mom. It’s just entertainment.”

Nevertheless, reports indicate that fans of the man who brought them Panty Droppa, Face Down, and Sex Room still feel betrayed by the revelation, and are struggling to understand why he didn’t just call them up personally if he was feeling nervous about his first time. “Trey knows I would make him feel comfortable; that he’d never have anything to worry about in my loving arms.” says Philadelphia native Charlene Reynolds, 27, who has since re-worked her entire sexual fantasy to accommodate a bashful Trey Songz who needs her tender, reassuring touch to coax him out of his shell.

“The neighbours are just going to have to get to know my name instead, Trey. And that’s fine by me. You know that.”

Boyfriends of the fans have been much less understanding however, and have reportedly filed a class action lawsuit claiming damages from the artiste for setting unattainable and wholly made up sexual standards for the rest of the male population to be judged by.

At press time, UGS was informed that the lawsuit had since been dropped, following a reminder from the artiste that he “[has] all [of] their [women] at the crib right now,” and “[he’s] ready and willing to give every single one of them the dry humping experience of their lives.”

Advertisements