119 First Responders Arrive on the Scene at Caller’s Funeral

SPANISH TOWN – Responding to a desperate plea for assistance with a break-in at his home two weeks ago, police today found that the crime scene at the residence of the caller, Duncan Atkinson, had developed into what the family members of the deceased are calling “a memorial service.”

“The JCF was not as ‘woefully late’ as many are claiming,” said Sergeant Clovis Beckford after attempting to use CPR to resuscitate Atkinson. “According to our intelligence this bizarre ceremony began at 9 am. It’s not even 10 yet.”

Atkinson was reportedly shot and killed in his home during an ordeal with an intruder which lasted for several hours after he placed a frantic call to the local police. But with officers canvassing the scene for evidence and alerting the paramedics, his grieving family can rest assured that the authorities will now make every effort to save his life.

“The victim is being taken to the nearest hospital, and we are securing the area and dusting for prints,” said Beckford, while officers fought off the outraged mourners who objected to efforts to wheel the casket into an ambulance.

“It appears as if we interrupted a pagan ritual of some sort, or a sick rite of passage or something. Whatever this is, at least we got here just in time.”

After the lifeless body was finally rushed away by the medics, the police turned their attention to the numerous attendees suspiciously dressed in all black.

“Luckily, the deranged criminals chose to stick around and share heartfelt stories about the victim,” Beckford informed UGS. “They will of course be detained for further questioning.”

The JCF has since released a statement advising citizens to do their part in preventing similar incidents from happening in the future. “If people are able to predict break-ins and violent crimes at least a fortnight in advance, their preemptive calls will enable the Force to continue saving lives like we’re pretty sure we did today.”

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