Dancehall Artiste Alkaline Steals the Show at Virgin Sacrifice


KINGSTON – Legions of fans across the country’s infernal underworld have continued to heap praise on recording artiste Alkaline following his stellar performance at the 105th Annual Tribute to the All-Seeing Dark Lord, which was held in a local church graveyard last Saturday.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Illuminati High Priest Kelton Ainsley III, who has seen everything that can and will happen in our current existence until the fiery end of the world as we know it. “Usually we just listen to the hopeless screams of women and children for entertainment, but this was something special.”

The adoring congregation has also reportedly banded together to honour the artiste with a goat head gift basket complete with several vials of the blood of his enemies and a gift card which reads ‘You’re My Idol’, but the rising star has been modest in the midst of the lavish praise. “The only thing that matters is that the ceremony is now complete,” said Alkaline, whose real name is Earlan Bartley, “And just in time for the beginning of the solstice too, as is tradition.”

But sources say that many of the attendees have since had questions about the performance that need to be addressed immediately. Providence Taylor, organizer of the event, shared some of these concerns with UGS.

“At a certain point in one of his songs, Gyal Bruk Out, where he says ‘tonight every gyal a tun a devil’, his eyes rolled back into his head and he continued to perform without pause. Was that a special effect? A new eyeball tattoo? And then the virgin we sacrificed just moments before got right back up and returned to her seat. I need answers, Alkaline. I can’t sleep.”

To date, Alkaline has offered no satisfactory response to these questions, choosing instead to repeat the ominous incantation, “Queng dem and heng dem,” inspiring the fear of God in many.

At press time, upon reflection, much of the congregation had renounced their faith in Satan, rebuking all of his evil works and everyone involved in them, to which Alkaline has simply replied, “2016.”

God bless our souls.