Reacting to one of the many outcomes that any logical person should expect to see in an ongoing football game, local sports bar patron Dennis Chen is reportedly behaving as if today is the first time he has ever witnessed a football team do what football teams are supposed to do.
“He always gets like this.” says Chen’s bitter rival and friend Jason Harriott, who would just like to watch a football match where his team is not winning yet in peace for once. “Their striker only ran past about three of our defenders before chipping the ball over the keeper’s head. Isn’t that what strikers are paid for?”
“Four. You missed that last one,” replied the overjoyed Chen, directing him to numerous slow motion replays for confirmation, before high-fiving everyone in the bar except for Harriott, who UGS understands left his friend hanging.
Sources claim that the sore loser is requesting muted celebrations from his colleague in case any other commonplace feats occur during the game, due to a condition that football analysts have identified as “badmind.” But Harriott has denied this assessment.
“Nobody cares. People score in Champions League Finals all the time. They have one every year you know.” said Harriott, wiping away an “unrelated” stream of tears from his eyes as Chen danced the Macarena in celebration of a stunning 40 yard goal. “I guess I’m just not as easily impressed.”
At press time, Harriott could be seen ripping off his shirt, climbing on a barstool, and gyrating his pelvis in the direction of his friends in response to a breathtaking last minute equalizer, before “the ‘tiefing’ [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] referee” ruled the “[expletive]” goal offside.