Time Standing Fan Takes to Oscillate Could Mean Difference Between Life and Death for Local Man

KINGSTON – With the seconds wearing on in the aftermath of his family’s arrival and subsequent decision to set the living room fan to oscillate, local University graduate Mark Donaldson has reportedly come to the grim realization that any attempt to escape the blazing heat of the Jamaican summer is ultimately futile and the next few moments of his life are likely to be his last.

“It’s over for me.” said Donaldson, watching the fan take its own sweet time to first swivel over to the opposite side of the room, then linger forever at the midpoint of its journey, and finally begin its way back in his direction as time slowed down to a painstaking crawl. “That fan was the only thing that stood between me and this all-consuming blanket of merciless heat.”

According to reports, things only got worse for the multiple heat stroke victim when a member of his family slightly adjusted the standing fan to ensure that the rest of the room was indeed feeling the bare minimum level of comfort which it was intended to provide, a move which surely spells the end for Donaldson.

“Those beads of sweat in every crevice of my body now? They can only mean one thing.” lamented Donaldson, who has reportedly accepted his fate and settled in for the inevitable moment when heat exhaustion or incineration, whichever comes first, claims his life for good. “I’ll just whisper a silent prayer to my God and hope for a swift release. I hear they have AC in heaven.”

Sources later confirmed that Donaldson was unable to finish his prayer in time, but is currently enjoying the relatively cool weather of his afterlife in hell.