Mickle Depreciates to 0.12 Muckles


In perhaps the clearest sign of the ailing economy since the news that it will now require approximately four four cocoas to fill basket, the Bank of Jamaica has released a report which highlights the free-falling value of the historically resilient mickle to muckle exchange rate.

Bryan Wynter, Governor of the BOJ, elaborated on the findings at a recently held press conference on the matter. “We regret to inform the nation that the mickle, previously believed to be safe from the fluctuations of the national economy, no longer holds the same stable relationship to muckles we have been taught to believe for our entire lives. This development will of course have immediate and long term effects on every single national and international transaction conducted between Jamaicans for the foreseeable future.”

The Governor went on to point out that the newly released data serves as a useful reminder that no standard of value or concept of worth is safe from the downward trajectory of our “quicksand” economy, and is encouraging all citizens to stop fighting, relax, and “simply accept our fate.”

“Yes, this development will be a blow to the economy, and our livelihoods, but our analysis also suggests the potential for positive repercussions.” explained Wynter. “For example, the data shows that good friends will, from this point forward, be worth substantially less than pocket money. So we are urging all Jamaicans to trade their loved ones in wherever possible before they become completely worthless.”

UGS caught up with local market vendor Leighton Gardner, 27, who erroneously assumed the country was already at rock bottom, to get his take on the latest addition to the burden of living day to day on the brink of survival. “[I] give up. Anyting a anyting zeen? [sic],” shrugged Gardner, blissfully unaware that according to the data, the value of anything has since fallen to less than anything.

At press time, Prime Minister Portia Simpson Miller announced that all mickles will see an additional increase in cost under the prevailing tax rate, but was hasty to assure the country that baskets will still be able to carry the same amount of water.