In response to recommendations made by the United Nations following their recent review of Jamaica’s human rights record, the Government has announced that the so-called ‘discriminatory’ buggery law will be amended to more fairly regulate human contact by comprehensively addressing each and every potentially sexual interaction between all Jamaican citizens.
“In order to treat all citizens equally, as suggested by the Human Rights Council, the Government will now police every single intimate act perpetrated between adult Jamaicans,” said Minister of Justice Senator Mark Golding. “Now this certainly doesn’t mean it’s illegal to kiss your wife. It’s just illegal to kiss her without completing the relevant forms first.”
The expanded regulations provide for a rigorous hymen test before marriage, a special committee for cunnilingus approval, and strict penalties for eye contact between members of the same gender, as part of the Government’s bid to finally take its rightful place as the third party in all local relationships.
Golding went on to explain that these laws are the only way to protect Jamaica’s internationally recognized morality from the imperialists who want consenting adults to make their own sexual choices without the approval of an officially mandated government institution. But some have called for even more stringent regulations.
“This is obviously the right direction for Jamaica, but we can do more. I still have trouble seeing inside my neighbour’s home each night. How am I supposed to hold him accountable?” asked Kevin Richards, a member of the Jamaica Coalition for a Healthy Society (JCHS), while filling out an application to hold hands with his new girlfriend on their date tonight. “If this country doesn’t start to feel more like the rigid, no-nonsense Christian nation that we definitely are then I’m packing my things.” Richards has since been arrested for the lustful glance he gave her at dinner.
At press time, sources reported that Government officials were once again annoyed when the Human Rights Council “just had to put their two cents in” by condemning the requirement that all male homosexuals submit to a permanent island-wide restraining order and swear a mandatory oath not to “look, dress or act like [expletive]men.”