FIFA President Blatter Really Wishes U.S. Would Quit All The Theatrics, Just Ask For Kickbacks Already

ZURICH – Expressing his disappointment with the manner in which the United States authorities have conducted themselves over the last couple of days, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has reportedly requested that the US cut to the chase, ask for the kickbacks they so obviously want, and then get in line like everybody else.

“Frankly, it’s kind of rude.” said Blatter in response to the FBI’s ongoing investigation of the alleged systemic, normalized and widespread corruption in FIFA, which has recently led to a series of high level arrests within the organization. “At first I thought it was some elaborate attempt to squeeze some funds out of us, which is fine. I get that. But this is taking it way too far.”

“You don’t see us pulling out armed forces every time we want to solicit a few bribes, do you? Who does that?” he later asked. “Just wait your turn, America.”

As further evidence of the country’s tactlessness, a visibly irritated Blatter has since shared that the FBI investigators have yet to respond to a single one of his winks, hand signals or repeated outright requests to take a peek into the lavish gift baskets sitting right there in front of them and bearing their names.

The four term President of football’s governing body, who has denied the alleged negative public perception of the organization, went on to decry the ongoing investigation as “contrary to the spirit of the game,” and reminded the US that he has better things to do than submit to a line of questioning every time they need a little spending money.

“Fine. You want to play ball? Let’s play ball.” continued Blatter, before placing a pile of cash at the foot of one of the FBI investigators, turning his back, and asking to be told when it would be a good time to turn back again. “You want me to close my eyes too? I can close my eyes.”

At press time, following Blatter’s arrest, former FIFA Vice President Jack Warner launched into a scathing attack on the “hypocritical” United States after unearthing a damning documentary he once saw, exposing rampant US corruption and fraud, called The Wolf of Wall Street.