Presenting findings from an in-depth study spanning over twenty years, the Pew Research Center has revealed that almost all rappers who have attained some level of mainstream success are likely to engage in sexual intercourse with your girlfriend or wife at any given moment, and in fact are probably doing so right now. The comprehensive research shows that whether she knows it or not, “your bitch” is powerless to the charms of your favourite rapper, and is definitely performing various sexual acts with him whenever she is not in your line of sight.
“The data reveals that when Drake, for example, raps ‘I’m [going to] give Halle Berry a baby and no one can stop me,’ he means it,” said Dr. Jenna Malone, Professor at George Washington University and lead researcher on the study. “Ms. Berry and her husband should welcome the new addition to their family with open arms.”
The report goes on to state that once a hip hop artist is in the building, so to speak, all boyfriends and husbands should expect their significant others to flock to the emcee in pairs or groups of threes immediately, and have cautioned that any attempt to stop fate could lead to a violent altercation in which you do not stand a chance considering the fact that “you ain’t bout that life, playboy [sic].”
However, in what should be seen as a silver lining for hip-hop fans, the findings suggest that most rappers will refrain from actually impregnating your girlfriend, as all-day and all-night intercourse coupled with your humiliation are usually reward enough. “This doesn’t mean that sex is the only inconvenience on the table for the lames out there.” Malone continued. “Rappers such as ScHoolboy Q and J. Cole also enjoy pre and post-coitus Netflix. Using your account, of course.”
The Center’s two decade long study, which confirms that your partner “[did not] have her ringer nor her ring on last night,” sheds little light on what measures can be taken to prevent such occurrences besides keeping her in check or getting your money up, but listeners can rest assured knowing that at least 40% of rappers claim to gladly kick her out, even though they “do not know karate,” once they are through with the inevitable.
“Oh you’ll definitely get her back. Not to worry,” Malone advised, before admitting that years of research did not definitively answer why rappers want your girlfriend specifically instead of the countless single women of their choosing. “But she’ll still have your favourite rapper on her mind, especially when you two are alone together.”
At press time, when reached for comment, superstar rapper Lil Wayne was surprised to learn that she was indeed your girlfriend, but later admitted that he “thought [he] recognized her” before returning to a reportedly “unrelated” meal.