PORT MARIA – Following the reportedly unsurprising news of the arrest and incarceration of local troublemaker and unhinged psychopath Dominic Anderson, 19, residents of the teen’s St. Mary hometown today were unified in their indictment of his mother and father as terrible parents who clearly don’t know the first thing about relentlessly beating their children until they have learned a little something about respect.
“Well, what exactly did they expect to happen?” asked neighbour Pauline Jackson in response to the charges against Anderson of attempted arson and grievous bodily harm following a minor altercation with a schoolmate in the parish. “In all my years living beside those people I have never heard that child scream for his life or beg for mercy once. Not even once. It’s ridiculous. At least hold the threat of a whipping over the boy’s head for God’s sake.”
Despite repeated assertions from his parents that they have indeed regularly beaten their son with increasing severity since his early childhood days, the local community has continued to insist that he clearly has not been beaten enough.
“All of this could have been avoided if Dominic at least lived in abject fear of his father’s wrath. That’s how I grew up.” said local artisan Gregory Cox, who fondly recalled the days when his own father would routinely order him to go and get the belt, and then tear into him for crying too much, or not crying enough. “But those were the good old days. When you got a good thorough beating at school for your misbehaviour, and then you went home and got another beating for getting beaten at school in the first place. Anything could set him off. How are we going to make it as a society if our children aren’t scared to death of what their parents are truly capable of?”
Cox went on to suggest that Anderson’s parents should have been locked up right alongside him for what should be constituted as child abuse. “I saw the boy talk back to his mother in the supermarket, right? This is in public by the way. And what does she do? She gives him a stern strongly worded talking to. A [expletive] talking to. I mean [expletive]. Of course he’s going to try to burn the whole town down.”
Recent studies indicate that the lack of a severe thrashing where children are instead merely deprived of activities they love such as watching television or playing video games could be the reason for almost every societal ill that plagues the country today.
“Kids these days don’t know what it feels like to walk on eggshells after their mothers have exhausted themselves from beating some sense into them.” said Psychology professor Arlene Duncan, referring to a recently released report on Fear Based Parenting. “What we need is a nationwide campaign to get back to the roots of corporal punishment in the home. All you need is a belt or a ruler or whatever you can angrily grab nearby to prevent tragedies such as this one from ever happening again.”
When reached for comment, Anderson admitted that if he had been beaten more often in his formative years then he probably wouldn’t have attempted to saw his classmate in two in response to his “rude” behaviour.