Lifelong Dream of Premier League Appearance Successfully Transferred to Weekly Scrimmage Game

KINGSTON – Taking a break from the ongoing game to drink the water he brought from home, local banker and former Ardenne High School footballer Kurt Miles, 24, basked in the glory of yet another Sunday league scrimmage goal against a few of his friends earlier this week. “This is what I’ve always wanted to do.” said Miles in a post match interview with UGS once it was determined that there was no more daylight left to continue. “Play quality football without all the pomp and fanfare of the professional leagues.”

Miles, who is adamant that the clouds of dust “don’t really choke [the players],” and that an even surface has never been a necessity for football, insists that his regular Sunday game is a more rewarding experience than what he imagines starting for his favourite European teams ever could be. “Think about it, these goals are much, much smaller. Scoring is way more of a challenge this way.”

Sources close to the veteran of the six-a-side/ eight-a-side/ thirteen-a-side games, “depending on who shows up,” tell a different story; one of an overambitious young midfielder who dreamed of playing for Arsenal FC, winning trophies and signing his name on the back of the jerseys of his adoring fans. “Now he tells me playing shirts versus skins actually improves his game, because the jersey ‘hinders his movement’,” said Terri Barnes, Miles’ longtime girlfriend and the derby’s lone spectator, while making her tenth unsuccessful call to her friend who reportedly promised she would keep her company that day.

Barnes went on to explain that her boyfriend thrives in less restrictive environments without clear outside boundaries or hard-and-fast rules, and is just relieved that he’ll never have to deal with overbearing referees who just love to intervene when the players kick, elbow and otherwise endeavour to injure each other with reckless abandon.

“What’s a little unlimited abuse?” asked Miles while icing his bloody and swollen shin. “As my teammates rightly point out, ‘a ball game we a play.’”

At press time, UGS learned that while Miles was only able to enjoy Arsenal’s FA Cup win from his couch, he took real solace in the fact that he wasn’t burdened with “[having] to lift that very heavy looking trophy.”

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