Gatlin Breaks Bolt’s Rome Record, Sprints 438 Victory Laps In Celebration

A resurgent Justin Gatlin yesterday surpassed Usain Bolt’s record in Rome with a flourish by winning the Diamond League 100m with an effortless 9.75 run, and continuing his breakneck sprint around the track over 400 more times in celebration without skipping a beat.

Spectators at the IAAF track and field event were also treated to a few laps of cartwheels, backflips and one in which the athlete reportedly carried a third of the stadium’s fans on his back for the length of the track, but sources confirmed that his “haters” still insist on dwelling on the fact that he has been convicted of doping offences on two separate occasions in his competitive career.

“Yes, Gatlin was caught using a banned substance, served his 2 year ban from international competition, caught again with another banned substance and then forced to serve a ban from the sport once more.” said Nike spokeswoman Jennifer Reece. “But it’s exactly that kind of will and determination that sets our athletes apart from everyone else.”

In an interview with UGS moments after he completed running a “just for fun” decathlon at the event, Gatlin was asked whether his drug taking days were indeed behind him. “Why, did you hear something?” asked the flustered 100m and 200m star who solemnly swears that he’s through with cheating the sport and everyone involved in it for the rest of his career.

“That was just a phase. I really wanted to win gold medals for myself and my country at all costs, but after testing positive for drugs that second time, I realize that what I did was wrong. I’m a changed man now.”

Added Gatlin, “But seriously, did someone say something?”

At press time, Gatlin was seen hurriedly penning a letter of apology to his fans and his sponsors, wherein he reportedly requested that any future lifetime bans be reduced in advance “on the off chance” he tested positive for another banned substance, which UGS understands he has already denied taking “just in case.”