Government Mandates Fight to the Death Placement System for GSAT Failures

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The Ministry of Education has today announced that all children preparing to take next year’s make it or break it Grade Six Achievement Test will have the added motivation of a fight for their very lives, as proof of their value to society, should they fail to make it into one of their top choice schools.

Education Minister Rev. Ronald Thwaites explained to the public that the move was instituted following the backlash from the news that GSAT students would now be placed according to location, and the subsequent clarification that the placement system would only apply to “the failures” to better allow the state to forget about them altogether.

“What we’re hearing is that the nation is tired of having anything to do with the 10-year-olds who can’t even perform exceptionally well on an exam that determines the fate of the rest of their lives,” said Thwaites in a press conference held earlier today. “So let’s get back to the roots of this system and remind our students that, based on these exam results, some children simply don’t matter as much as others.”

According to the minister, children who can’t seem to understand the importance of practicing past papers day and night, and on weekends and holidays, in addition to the everyday academic pressure of regular school, will have plenty of time to think about disappointing their parents and the society as a whole at a special institution where “the real test will begin.”

“Too poor to afford extra lessons? Fine.” added a ministry official. “Take a knife and some food rations and get ready to be taught by the greatest teacher our country can afford: life.”

Thwaites was defiant in response to the ensuing questions about the ethics of forcing little children to scrap for survival after taking an exam heavily weighted against the less fortunate. “An adequate education is not just given, it’s earned. If you’re not scoring in the 90’s, children, then you’ll just have to live with that for the rest of your life. And that’s if you make it.”

The Ministry later released a statement assuring the public that transfers will still be possible between the internment camps, and private school students will be allowed to watch the death matches unfold from the stands provided.

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