Local Get Together at Mercy of Self Appointed DJ


KINGSTON – Suffering from the knowledge that he would likely be forced to listen to All About That Bass all the way through again for the fourth consecutive time, and that there is no God, local university student and host Andre Robinson, 19, has reportedly lost what little hope he had left for the collective enjoyment of his ongoing drinkup thanks to the work of his best friend and self appointed DJ for the evening Chris McKeller.

According to reports, the hostage situation began at around 8:15 pm, when McKellar, 20, bestowed upon himself the role of resident DJ and “Turn Up King” at a casual get together amongst a few of his friends that night.

“It’s clear he spent all night working on this mix before he got here.” sighed Robinson as the party animal adjusted the volume and simulated an extended wailing siren effect over a Bob Marley cover before once again playing the sound of a scratching record. “I don’t have the heart to tell him to have a seat, or go home. But we’re running out of options here.”

Party guest Ashley Lewis revealed that even when “DJ Buzzkill” did vary his selections, his choices were generally received as both inept and deeply confrontational, which Lewis believes is the exact opposite effect he was going for, although she went on to admit that “[she] doesn’t even know anymore.”

“One minute I’m bopping my head to Mavado and Stacious, right? Then you know what he plays next? The Beatles. There’s a time and place for Hey Jude, Chris. A time and a [expletive] place.”

Once the attendees had decided for good that “enough is enough,” all attention turned to Robinson to somehow lure the “vybezmaster” away from his digital turntables and revive what was left of the night, but reports indicate that McKellar remained undeterred by the polite suggestions to take a bathroom break, or join one of the conversations, or “just read the goddamn room.”

“What was that? Pull up, selector?” asked McKellar, who proceeded to rewind yet another misguided selection and turn the volume up even further. “Just ‘cause you’re the host man. But I know when to pull up my music, alright? I got this.”

Little is known about the current whereabouts of DJ Mac’s laptop, ipad, phone, or backup external hard drive, but sources confirm that McKellar has since committed to sending all his friends a playlist of his selections “just in case [they] need to rave in [his] absence.”

At press time, McKellar could be heard comforting the group with the news that he had an emergency backup phone “for situations like these,” and that Robinson’s breaker just needed to be switched back on after discovering that “there [was] no powercut after all.”