Still feeling a little hot and bothered by the widely circulated pictures of shooting suspect Dylann Roof, a host of mainstream media outlets today released a joint statement apologizing for their heavily criticized coverage of the “certified cutie” who was charged with murder in the wake of the deadly terrorist attack on the historically black Charleston church two days ago.
“We are deeply sorry, but at the time we just wanted to find out who or what could have troubled that hunky young man,” said one media outlet, referring to their “anything but racism” stance on the possible motives for the killings. “He’s so mysterious. It’s super sexy.”
The media went on to admit that the man suspected of shooting and killing nine people in the massacre had “made some mistakes,” but also felt it necessary to defend themselves.
“Yes, now we know better, but sometimes you meet someone that makes you want to look past the mass murder, to look deeper, you know? Then you find out that beneath it all is a shy, quiet guy who’s a bit of a fixer-upper and… ughhh. I can’t even. So dreamy.”
Sources later confirmed that the media lost their train of thought shortly after, imagining what their future lives would be like together.
“Now we’d just like some alone time to work up the courage to finally ask him out,” said a media spokesperson, taking a moment to reflect on the adorable Charleston church meet-cute that led to all the commotion. “But he probably wouldn’t want us anyway.”
At press time, the nation’s police departments chimed in with a spirited defense of the media’s coverage, suggesting that they may actually have been a little too hard on Roof, and reminding the public that the shooter in question was not black, or muslim, but quite clearly just a white guy.
“And a fine ass white guy too.” said one police officer, fanning himself. “Have mercy.”