Breaking: All Your Friends, Acquaintances Definitely Doing Better Than You

Substantiating your worst fears and insecurities since you first obtained your bachelor’s degree, reports today confirmed that every single person you know in your age group is currently way more successful than you are, and each and every one of them is enjoying the immense satisfaction that comes from the life that you imagined you would have by now.

New findings suggest that it is now beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have a plethora of friends, acquaintances, and people whose faces you kind of remember, who are effortlessly outshining you on a daily basis – and for the foreseeable future – even in those parts of your life that you are actually proud of.

“Oh you finally got a job that pays with more than experience? Well several of your classmates from high school just got promotions and raises,” said your Twitter timeline, bringing you back to earth. “Kinda feels like you’ll be playing catch-up forever.”

According to our sources, an increasing number of your associates no longer reside with their parents, and, believe it or not, even speak with them at times when they are not asking for money or the use of the family vehicle. “This phenomenon is called adulthood, and you are desperately far away from it,” explained Profile host Ian Boyne, before interviewing yet another prodigy who is mastering whatever dream profession you’ve been putting off committing to “until the time is right.”

UGS was also made to understand that during the time you spent reading that fifth consecutive article explaining that most people in their twenties are struggling and you probably have nothing to worry about, one of your exes booked a two week trip to Europe and an old friend just completed her PhD.

At press time, although you enjoyed this weekend’s dinner and a movie with your significant other, who you’ve convinced yourself you didn’t settle for, your Facebook friend shared a picture of her new engagement ring and reportedly made plans to further rub her happiness in your face with an upcoming wedding invitation.