Jay Z Holds Emergency Brainstorming Session to Figure Out How to Brag About ‘Tidal’ Failure

Faced with the mounting evidence that his recently launched streaming service Tidal was a major flop, sources confirmed that superstar rapper and businessman Jay Z convened an emergency company wide meeting to remind his staff and partners that he is in fact still a very cool person, if anyone was wondering, and to determine how best to approach gloating about the sustained downward trajectory of the company he bought for $56 million in March of this year.

“First we want to establish that this was all part of the plan,” said Jay Z, whose real name is Shawn Carter, referring to the latest CEO resignation at Tidal and the company’s unsuccessful attempt to get the public to sympathize with his millionaire colleagues for money. “Then maybe we follow up with something about how profound I still am.”

Reports indicate that even with the team’s previous experience marketing Jay Z as an uncompromising genius in the lead up to his last studio album, which critics almost unanimously praised as “okay,” there still remained a sense of uncertainty in anticipation of the gargantuan task.

“Last time we just had him say ‘it’s the duality’ a bunch of times then talk to legendary producer Rick Rubin on a couch.” said marketing manager Chris Dempsey. “Rick wasn’t even on the album. But this time it’s different. I don’t think some performance at the MoMA can save this one.”

Continued Dempsey, “Maybe we could remind everyone that he’s really rich? Or that his wife is Beyoncé?”

UGS understands that while he liked those suggestions, Mr. Carter was still not impressed with what he was hearing.

“We’re trying to showboat here guys. Think!” responded Jay, before furrowing his brows and reportedly mumbling “something something Basquiat” under his breath.

“How about… How about we tell [the public] to check their bank accounts before they check the news, ‘cause numbers don’t lie.” said business associate Mark Hardwell.

“That’s it right there.” replied Jay. “Except for that last part. Leave that part out. And throw ‘All Facts’ in there somewhere too.”

At press time Jay Z revealed plans to release a brand new single titled What’s $19.99 a Month To A Boss, which, according to Carter, addresses the intricacies of balancing fatherhood, fame and the haters who will inevitably claim that the song pretty obviously has nothing to do with any of those things.

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