Dominican Government Insists It Has Like, A Ton of Black Friends

SANTO DOMINGO – Finally addressing the increasing scrutiny they have faced as a result of their mass deportation efforts, which, “with any luck,” could return up to 300,000 people to a country they’ve never been to before, the government of the Dominican Republic released a statement today assuring the international public that despite the seemingly targeted nature of their recent policies, “[they] swear to God [they] don’t even see colour.”

According to the statement, what has been reported as an attempt to cleanse the island republic of people who have lived there for all their lives but failed the officially mandated Brown Paper Bag Test, is actually just an effort to help descendants of Haitians find their way back to the side of the island where they belong.

“Sometimes a neighbour enters your house in 1929 and ends up living there for generations and becoming a part of your household’s social fabric,” began the statement released by President Danilo Medina. “Maybe their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren are then born and raised in that house and for some reason feel like part of the family. Does that make it so? For totally non-racial reasons, we just don’t think that those ‘people’ are family material – not this family anyway.”

When UGS asked government officials if the stripping of citizenship and mass deportation plans were the inevitable conclusion to a historical slant towards culturally pervasive anti-black policies, many government officials initially seemed confused as to why black people were speaking to them without being spoken to.

“If I was racist, would I listen to this?” asked one government Minister while turning up the volume on African-American rapper A$AP Rocky’s single Wild for the Night. “He shot the video for this song here you know. We approved it and everything. How’s that for progressive?”

Continued the Minister, “Also – hold on – I know I have a Wyclef CD around here somewhere.”

Another Member of Parliament, annoyed with the assertion that thousands of Dominicans were losing their citizenship simply because of their skin colour, reminded the press that he had seen HBO’s The Wire all the way through, “twice!,” which, he added, “is probably more than could be said for any of those sugar cane workers who overstayed their welcome.”

When asked to retract his “offensive” statement, he visibly bristled.

“So now I can’t say that the only thing an entire section of the population is good for is cutting sugar cane? How is that racist?”

At press time, President Medina introduced the Sammy Sosa Amendment to the law, which, as he explained, states that “it’s totally cool to live in [their] country, just so long as the people who know themselves immediately take the necessary steps to look more… Dominican.”