KINGSTON – A palpable feeling of relief and jubilation reportedly swept through the Half Way Tree criminal court earlier today as local grandson-without-a-conscience Daniel Gordon, 17, was handed down the guilty verdict he deserved for his role in single handedly ruining Bill Cosby’s image in the eyes of his dear old grandmother forever.
The heinous crime in question, for which Gordon has yet to apologize, was committed a year prior when his victim was keeled over in front of her tv, laughing at Theo’s earring shenanigans in a rerun she had seen countless times before. According to grandma Gordon’s heartbreaking testimony, it was at that moment when the accused entered the living room and did the unthinkable.
“He looked me square in the face, when I was at my most vulnerable, and told me… He told me that Bill was accused of… interfering… with young women.” said his poor old grandmother in an interview with UGS, grappling with an issue that no innocent grandma or sitcom fan should ever have to deal with. “Why won’t they leave that man in peace already? You’ve seen how hectic the Huxtable house gets. He’s been through enough.”
Reports indicate that Gordon was well aware that his grandmother had been a lifelong fan of the legendary comedian, even on occasion expressing her desire to go back in time and marry “a man like Bill,” but still insisted on spreading his hateful agenda against the lovable goof and father of four who has been accused of drugging and sexually assaulting 30 different women to date.
Luckily her second grandchild arrived at the scene of the crime just in time to save her from a reality wherein Bill Cosby was a lifelong sexual abuser who preyed on the trust and admiration of innocent women. “They’re just liars, okay grandma? All 30 of them. They’re just trying to make some money or tear him down or something. Yeah. All lies.”
At his long-awaited sentencing, the sicko (Gordon) remained unrepentant.
“Look, I really didn’t have the heart to tell her about the details of the mounting allegations, but when grandma said TV was too focused on sex and drugs these days as she watched him stuff down another hogie – I just didn’t have a choice.”
According to court records, it was at that point that the judge determined that he had heard enough.
“People like you have no place in our society.” said a fuming judge Roberts who himself was exposed to the “lies upon lies” by way of the proceedings. “Who do you think you are? A beloved celebrity? 15 years.”