MONTEGO BAY – With the help of a few heroic co-workers and friends who had endured quite enough of their depressingly sad colleague, local bank manager Marsha Kinlocke, 36, finally turned her life around and decided for good to stop being so selfishly unhappy all the time, or at least not in public, sources confirmed.
Once enough people established for themselves that they understood the breadth of her clinical depression, and instructed her not to feel that way anymore, Kinlocke reportedly had an epiphany which experts believe will likely serve her for the rest of her joyous life.
“What a relief.” said Kinlocke, seeing for the first time that her glass was half full. “Now anytime I feel like the world is a dark abyss of despair, strangling me tighter with each passing day, pulling me further into the everlasting nothingness – I can simply choose to not feel that way. Lovely.”
In a rare display of emotions she had long decided she was not truly capable of, save for brief, fleeting moments, Kinlocke was ecstatic. “I could have been happy for all my life up to now if I wasn’t so stubborn. Wow. Now that’s depressing.”
Kinlocke later admitted that she had allowed her condition to affect her emotions and relationships for years until a longtime friend finally helped her to correct the chemical imbalance in her brain by sending her a screenshot of a quote about positivity.
“It was like a weight [that never really existed] was lifted off my shoulders,” beamed the veritable ball of sunshine. “So I fired my therapist, threw my meds in the trash, and thanked each and every one of the angels responsible for ordering me to be happy like everyone else.”
From the comfort of cloud 9, she reflected on the years of positivity which should have rehabilitated her ages ago.
According to Kinlocke’s account, one co-worker was known to remind her that there were people in the world with worse problems than hers, which, if she was thinking clearly, would have erased all the anxiety and self loathing she grappled with on a daily basis; while her mother had often wondered aloud how she would ever find a man if she was always moping around like that.
“Now I just feel like I was letting them down.”
At press time, the bank manager of 6 years is understood to have been diagnosed with breast cancer, which she reportedly plans to tackle at once by not having breast cancer anymore.