BREAKING: Kind of Awkward When Holness Visits Constituency Now

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ST. ANDREW – Experiencing what he has described as an “odd vibe” from the residents of the Olympic Gardens area of his constituency (and everywhere else outside his own neighbourhood) ever since the pictures of his sprawling new multimillion dollar estate were first released to the public, Opposition Leader Andrew Holness was reportedly a little weirded out by the awkward energy he could not help but notice in a visit to the community late last week.

While the residents of the low income area almost certainly regard his luxurious MTV Cribs-esque home as nothing short of an inspiration to them all, especially in the face of mounting, persistent and indefinite economic hardship, sources confirmed that Holness is “pretty sure” he caught a few averted gazes and limp handshakes upon his most recent return to the neighbourhood.

Further cementing his feeling that something was definitely off with the community these days, reports indicate that some residents even made the peculiar decision to get up and walk out on him as he offered a few tips on how to survive the government’s increasingly severe austerity measures.

“So, how’s the fish back these days?” asked the totally down to earth MP, addressing one of the residents who pretended not to see him as he walked the streets of the constituency. “You guys still eat that stuff right?”

Sources close to the MP indicate that he was so intensely relatable that the young man found it difficult to respond.

Holness reportedly went on to lament the circumstances in which the residents were forced to live as he continued his tour of the neighbourhood. “I mean look at this place. No golf course, no butlers, nothing. How do people live like this?” asked the West Central St. Andrew MP, shaken to the core by their abject living conditions. “Maybe that’s why everyone’s been acting so strange lately – they probably haven’t had a Swedish massage in weeks.”

UGS was later made to understand however that the increased incidence of cold shoulders that Holness has received since his palatial estate was first unveiled, does actually solve one of his problems – now he won’t have to invite any of them to his housewarming party.

“Now that would be awkward.” said the JLP Leader, who was reportedly unsure of how to deal with that whole situation. “Whew.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the Opposition Leader could be seen attempting to “inspire hope and ambition” in another area of his constituency, Seivright Gardens, by slowly driving around the community in a brand new Porsche convertible, a decision he later regretted as he attempted to retrieve the vehicle from a cavernous pothole.

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