NEW YORK – Theatre goers across the U.S. were left scratching their heads in confusion last night once the final credits of a movie they paid their hard earned money to see had finished rolling, and they came to the realization that they had just been subjected to 2 hours and 14 minutes of a film that did not contain a single recognizable comic book superhero.
Though many remained in their seats in anticipation of a post credits scene where something cool with super powers would happen, sources confirm that the avant-garde film, Flirting with Love, literally featured all of zero capes, eye lasers, or cities completely destroyed as part of an evil plot to subsequently destroy the rest of the world.
“So, how does this fit into the Marvel Universe again?” asked one baffled patron, unwilling to accept that he just watched human beings behave as if they were constrained to the natural laws of the universe. “Maybe it’s an alternate timeline where everything is normal now?“
“Yeah” He sadly continued. “That must be it.”
Reports indicate that many of the patrons first grew suspicious of the film’s content when they assumed their seats having not received any 3D glasses upon entering the theatre, but those fears were dismissed soon after when they noticed that one of the hats briefly worn in the film looked sort of weird and assumed it would later be revealed to contain superpowers that would be bestowed upon the protagonist once he was deemed worthy.
However, sources confirm that as the movie wore on, and nobody’s parents died, the audience grew more and more impatient. “Wait, was that a superhero?” asked one woman, referring to a dog which appeared in the backdrop of one scene. “What about that?”
Reviews for the “artsy foreign film” have been scathing, but while many have described the movie as “a spit in the face of moviegoers everywhere,” some have offered praise to the director despite his perplexing decision not to base the movie in some sort of known mythology, or at least include a reference or two to a childhood franchise.
“If you were actually watching the movie, you would have realized that the two leads were in fact cleverly disguised superheroes whose developing relationship was crucial to the formation of a super-team who must find a way to work together for the fate of all humanity,” explained NYT critic Lena Mayfield.
“Also they were speaking in code about defeating the [off screen] evil genius the whole time.”
When reached for comment, director Paul Fliss appeared unfazed by the growing furore his disaster of a “movie” has garnered ever since its release.
“Everyone just needs to calm down” said Fliss, brandishing a hastily drawn Flirting with Love graphic novel, “It’ll all make sense after the next four sequels.”