KINGSTON – Confirming what mothers have known since our species first began reproducing, a recent report on the relationship between maternal blood pressure and any and all acts of indiscipline or misbehaviour has revealed that mothers are dangerously susceptible to the debilitating health effects of their children talking back, taking too long to get back inside the house, or otherwise working their very last nerve.
The results of the study have come into sharp focus in the last few days following the unconscionable actions of local son and “roughhouser” Donald Taylor, 10, whose mother’s blood pressure suddenly skyrocketed late last week when he reportedly broke a vase he was explicitly asked not to even think about touching.
Sources confirm that the unbelievable act of targeted disrespect, for which his mother still hasn’t recovered, has since been assessed by a prominent local cardiologist and determined as the cause of his mother’s alarming onset hypertension, a diagnosis she was able to make for herself with pin-point accuracy soon after she discovered that her vase had been destroyed.
Dr. Roshni Mahmood, chief researcher on the Fallacy of Maternal Overreaction study, explained to UGS that childbirth gives mothers the innate ability to calculate exactly how many units their blood pressure has increased by, an estimation which reportedly factors in the length of time the dishes have spent just sitting there in the sink as if they’re going to wash themselves, and the number of times that the child has been reminded not to test his/her mother’s patience.
“When Donald broke that vase on that fateful Thursday, a vase his mother had from before he was born no less, he effectively trimmed 5 years off her life.” said Celia Llewelyn, author of We Are Not the Same Size. “But when he lied about it, and swept the pieces under the carpet? My God. Let’s just say she’s lucky to be alive.”
The illuminating study did reveal however that there is hope for women who find themselves at risk of heart attack following their children’s daily attempts on their lives. In order to pacify themselves and return their blood pressure to pre-rudeness levels, local mothers are being advised to administer a thorough beating to the would-be killers, immediately followed by several hours of intermittent cussing, and, if necessary, a grave warning to “wait til your father gets home.”