Upcoming PNP Conference Rumoured to Consist Solely of World Championships Highlights

KINGSTON – In anticipation of their upcoming general conference, the People’s National Party has collected all media coverage of Jamaican athletes crossing the finish line and receiving medals at the 2015 IAAF World Championships, party insiders reveal, a move which is reportedly intended to highlight some of the major achievements of the PNP over the last five years.

Sources claim that the annual conference, which begins on September 18th, will be used to rally the party base with reminders of accomplishments such as Odayne Richards’ bronze medal for shot put, an event which the public is being reminded saw no Jamaican success under the wayward leadership of either Golding or Holness.

“Do you actually love and support Usain Bolt and Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce?” asked PNP campaign manager Lisa McClean. “Because they were both able to claim gold medals this year, under PNP rule. Think about them next time you enter the voting booth.”

McClean went on to claim possession of damning, recently acquired footage of Opposition Minister Andrew Holness allegedly referring to American athlete Justin Gatlin in a sympathetic “and possibly even forgiving” manner.

When reached for comment, PNP General Secretary Paul Burke denied that track & field highlights were all the party leadership planned to focus on. “We will undoubtedly concentrate on the positive work the government has done, such as the 4 x 100m relays or the women’s 100m hurdles – take yourself back to those moments – but we have accomplished much more than that,” Secretary Burke explained. “Alia Atkinson ring any bells?”

Burke later advised all Jamaican voters to prepare for a snap election should the Reggae Boyz football team beat Nicaragua in their World Cup Qualifier on Tuesday night.

At press time, reports confirmed that Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller was met with unanimous approval within the party for her decision to honour Usain Bolt by naming all current national landmarks in his honour, and shaping all future ones in his image.    

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