National Water Commission Says Look, Just Pee on My Pee

KINGSTON – As part of his ongoing efforts to sensitize the country to the water lock-offs expected to continue through this and every summer of the foreseeable future, National Water Commission president Mark Barnett has called a press conference to make an urgent appeal to the Jamaican populace to “try the bathroom down the hall,” and “see if that one’s any better.”

“Oh, worse?” responded Barnett, persisting in his attempt to rebrand access to running water in the more modern, realistic terms of not having any at all. “Well, just do what you have to do then.”

The statement, which follows many such attempts to warm citizens up to the idea of never quite knowing when their water will return or be cut off again, is epitomized by the NWC’s new slogan, This is Life Now, which is intended to help wean the corporate area off a predictable supply of running water altogether.  

“If we’re honest with ourselves, the days of flushing the toilet and washing your hands are pretty much behind us, and they have been for a really long time.” explained Barnett, who would like to know if he could stop by your place after work to grab a quick shower and maybe do some laundry, if that’s cool with you. “It’s time to move on.”

The Commission has since released an advisory to the public detailing the many ways in which to make the most of the “rustic vibe” that a couple months without running water can effectively create, including a few tips on how to stay fresh without necessarily taking a bath, per se, and some useful alternatives to washing the dishes.

“Now I’m not saying it’s ideal, but what’s summer without a few water lock-offs anyway?” asked Barnett, eyeing your water tank for a little longer than normal. “Hey quick question, how heavy you think that thing is?”

At press time, having exhausted all remaining water reserves, the NWC announced plans to harvest the tears of the naive few who climbed into the shower this morning and soaped up their entire bodies before trying to turn the knob.

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