MONTEGO BAY – Local convenience store clerk Raymond Dailey, 27, is currently on track to break his previously set record of 90 consecutive hours of vaginal penetration, reports confirm, a prospect which new girlfriend Celia Ogilvie has reportedly described as “terrifying[ly] [amazing].”
Taking a quick break from his breathtaking show of sexual prowess, Dailey turned down the Aidonia for a moment and shared with UGS his plans to continue with the relentless jackhammering of his partner’s vagina and quiet all rumours of having a “weak back” once and for all.
“I’m not pulling any punches this time,” said Dailey, gulping down his eleventh bottle of the BABA Roots, Guinness and peanuts concoction that has reportedly served him well in the past. “At the end of the day, I just want her to know that she can come to me anytime she wants someone to murder that [vagina] for a seemingly interminable period of time.”
Sources confirm that Ogilvie, 22, the recipient of Dailey’s thrusting marathon, has approached the ordeal with a spirited never say die attitude, boosted by her partner’s periodic reminders that “it not even black and blue yet.”
“He wants me to enjoy this too, I’m sure, and he means well,” said Ogilvie, focusing on a fixed point on the wall in front of her as Dailey positioned himself to re-enter after what she sincerely hopes to God he didn’t just call “half-time”.
“My orgasm will probably turn up on around day 6, he says. So. Yeah.”
At press time, after a loud, convincing climax ended the nights’ festivities, Dailey was reportedly relieved to discover that his girlfriend will neither be able to walk nor stand up straight for longer than he could have ever imagined in his wildest dreams.