BREAKING: So-Called Decades of Accumulated Public Debt Revealed to be Elaborate Political Scandal

In the latest twist leading up to the general elections, an independent audit of the Government of Jamaica’s current account this week has uncovered what is being described as a massive coordinated attempt, spanning over two decades and incorporating both administrations, to defraud both the local and international community of interest payments on over 2 trillion dollars of fictitious public debt.

Reports by international watchdog group Transparency International and the local National Integrity Action lobby all confirm the audit’s findings: every single politician currently in office, or who has been for the last 30 years, is to blame in some capacity for the creation and promulgation of the almost completely made up root cause of a majority of the problems facing the nation today.

“The depreciating dollar, public sector cutbacks, our dealings with the IMF, wage freezes for the last 3 years… everything. Lies. All lies.” said the chairman of the Special Committee convened to make sense of all this. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Basically all the sources of the widespread poverty in this country were faked.”

The audit reveals that reported levels of external and domestic debt dating back to at least 1982 could not be accounted for, and, furthermore, the bi-partisan orchestrated plot had been maintained by the perpetuation of smaller, less corrupt activities such as the Cuban light bulb scandal and the Tivoli incursion so as not to raise any suspicions about the Government’s record breaking heist.

“The implications of these findings literally cannot be overstated,” said a member of the Public Administration and Appropriations Committee, whose name has been redacted due to their involvement in the enormous cover-up. “But let’s not blow this out of proportion. What we’re seeing here is both political parties finally putting their differences aside to accomplish something they truly believe in, and that’s something we can all get behind.”

In light of the audit’s findings, reports indicate that both the PNP and the JLP have decided to run on the platform of whose idea it was in the first place, and a solemn vow to clear all this up with a Commission of Enquiry or two so we can finally put this whole thing behind us.