Local Company’s Hold Music Now Explicitly Asking Callers to Hang Up, Move on with Life

KINGSTON – Having called to inquire as to why her sofa was not delivered on the day it was promised, local accountant and dissatisfied customer Michelle Shields was reportedly left stunned last week when the recording on the Furniture Palace customer care line abruptly cut itself short to advise her to give up and leave them alone.

“Ask yourself, do you really think this is going anywhere?” said the automated voice as it transitioned from smooth jazz to a tough but fair looped message. “We both know how this ends. Just put down the phone.”

Reports indicate that this new strategy, which is being championed by private and public sector organizations across the island, is part of a collective attempt to finally address the growing scourge of callers who don’t seem to get the message when the number isn’t available on the website, or there is no website, or the employees can be heard loudly complaining about the call in the background.   

“These advisory messages are typically triggered somewhere around the eighth transfer,” explained University of the West Indies admin assistant Dean Facey, who revealed that he had been tasked with leading the efforts to reverse caller expectations ever since he was hired in 2009. “But we’ve been making strides here. Now when you call us, we hang up right away. It saves everyone a whole lot of trouble.”

Shields, whose persistent attempts to get in touch with the furniture retailer are reportedly just getting sad now, continued to share with UGS her discouraging experience with the company’s customer service line.

“This time it simply said, ‘Go outside it’s a beautiful day.’” said the nuisance as she attempted to identify the whereabouts of the couch she recently purchased. “And then after about an hour of complete silence, when I thought I might have been cut off again, a customer care agent picked up the line to inform me that all customer care agents are still busy at this time.”

Delighted with the overwhelming success of this approach, the local business community has announced plans to institute a barbed wire obstacle course at all current locations, which will lead to a series of timed puzzles that customers will be required to solve on their own if they wish to speak to employees for any reason whatsoever.

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