Sensing a distinct lack of gratitude from the Jamaican people during his first official visit to the island, British Prime Minister David Cameron has formally agreed to strike a compromise with the local Government so we can stop nagging him about this whole reparations thing once and for all.
“Wow, I can’t believe we’re still talking about this,” began Cameron in his address to the Jamaican people. “But fine. Whatever. We promise we won’t enslave or colonize you people ever again. Happy now?”
The statement, which the United Kingdom has described as the closest we will ever get to an apology, “so you can just forget about that,” is the latest sign of goodwill from the nation who also graciously gifted us the opportunity to relieve some of the burden on British taxpayers with a brand new prison complete with convicted criminals.
“You try to be nice to people and this is how they respond, by begging,” continued Cameron, referring to what he has taken to calling “the R word.”
The Conservative Party Leader was supported by some local officials, including Senate President Floyd Morris, who sought to remind Jamaicans that we should be thankful Mr. Cameron even addressed our Parliament at all, and moved to erect a “long overdue” statue of Queen Victoria in Emancipation Park to properly acknowledge our debt to Britain.
The British Prime Minister was later asked whether he really thought this new guarantee was enough for both countries to move on from their dark past. “Uhh…move on from what again?” Cameron responded. “Oh right right. Slavery. See, it’s like it never happened. You’re welcome.”