Flow Jamaica Announces Plans to Sponsor Feeling of Utter Despair

Hopelessness, anguish and despair, sensations that have now become synonymous with Flow Jamaica’s service, have received an official nod of approval today as the telecom giant announced plans to officially align its brand to that feeling you experienced for the 15 minutes it took this page to load.

(Please fix my internet, Flow. Please.)

The nationwide sponsorship, which reps confirm will be strengthened by the recent merger with former competitor LIME, will enable Flow to put their stamp on that sense of unmitigated frustration which Jamaicans across the island have come to expect.

“It just makes sense.” explained Flow CEO Garry Sinclair, revelling in his visionary decision to beat Digicel to the punch. “You already feel a swelling hatred in your heart when your favourite TV shows are suddenly cut off because [unbeknownst to you] we stole them all [and refuse to apologize for doing so], or your internet router doesn’t actually get fixed as promised. Now whenever you feel that way in your everyday life we want you to think: Flow.”

(It took four hours to post this article.)

The announcement reportedly signals the biggest power move yet for Flow Jamaica, coupled with their recent acquisition of the exclusive rights to English Premier League coverage, which experts believe presents an exciting opportunity for the company to “[expletive] up in innovative, soul-crushing ways.”

At press time, UGS understands that Flow introduced their all-new Just Rent Some DVDs cable package, which may be purchased from the company on the sole condition that you don’t ask where they got them.

(I read books now. Nobody deserves this.)