The obvious stranger impersonating revered neurosurgeon Ben Carson in the Republican primaries has released a statement today revealing to the world that he is actually none other than Carson’s evil twin and arch enemy Mercutio, and that a mysterious “Phase 2 of Operations” is currently in the works, which he reportedly underscored with an overblown and out of context evil laugh.
Though he neglected to elaborate on what part of his sinister plot “Phase 2” actually referred to, pundits agree that the statement has shed some light on the reason behind his seeming divergence from the renowned surgeon and bestselling author who was once on welfare, to this guy, who wants poor people to pray to AR-15s or something if they ever want to make it in America.
“You fools, it was me the whole time!” announced Mercutio, who reportedly assumed his cover was blown after he let slip his recent comments suggesting that the victims of the Oregon shooting should have all rushed at the shooter Rambo style, and that the Holocaust could have been avoided if those victims had used that strategy too. “You want the inspirational figure that made it against all odds becoming the success he is today? Too bad. I love guns now.”
Still unsure of whether to believe that the man who has been campaigning for the last 5 months is really Carson’s evil twin or a robot programmed to be racist all the time, many of his supporters have reacted to the revelation with mixed emotions.
“Just be honest with me whoever-you-are, do you think Planned Parenthood is doing the work of Nazi Satan or not? And should we shoot at it?” asked a tearful supporter in a follow-up question and answer session. “Because to be honest, we don’t want that John Hopkins loser, Merc, we want you.”
Sources confirm that Mercutio was pleasantly surprised to learn that most of his following was still willing to support him despite his vaguely ominous plans to “change the world as we know it,” and did not seem to care that the real celebrated neurosurgeon was probably tied up in a trunk somewhere.
“Wow, I’m humbled. I mean at best I’m a shadow of what the man once was, but if you want to pretend I’m still him, I’m down. Let’s do this.” said Mercutio, who later added, “Beep Boop. Right to, Bear Fetus. Muslim Equal. Terrorist. Beep. Free Guns. Boop. Obama’s Fault. Beep.” to great applause.