Ministry of Health Identifies Fenton Ferguson as National Health Hazard

Describing the MP as the ebola of people, a newly released health audit today has revealed that health minister Fenton Ferguson has been officially labelled as a Category A biological threat to the Jamaican people, potentially responsible for the recent upsurge in serious medical conditions and related deaths nationwide.  

“Baby killing bacterial infections across the island are just the beginning,” detailed the chief medical officer in his address to the public about the critical national security risk. “If Ferguson isn’t contained soon, we could all be dead before Christmas.”

The audit goes on to state that more than 400 different kinds of potentially weaponizable bio-agents have been identified as a result of Ferguson’s continued role as the Minister of Health alone, a revelation which has prompted the Office of Disaster Preparedness and Emergency Management to advise all Jamaicans to make “immediate provisions for their untimely death [provided, of course, that they are people in the real sense].”  

“To be honest, we should have realized this after the Chik-V outbreak last year.” continued the chief medical officer, stating on the record that it is time to panic. “Now 19 babies [and counting] are dead and he kept it to himself? That’s not the behaviour of a human being, people. That’s a virus.”

Minister Ferguson has since released a statement to the public on the matter, reminding the country that he is not yet aware of the crisis, but that if he was, he would probably be very sorry about the “regrettable situation.”

At press time, as his leadership was officially determined to be an act of bio terrorism, an apologetic Ferguson rejected the nation’s desperate pleas for him to resign.

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