Christ Pushes Second Coming Back Another 400 Years or So


THE HEAVENS – Stating that his schedule is really crazy right now, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has reportedly decided to postpone his long heralded return to this world for another few centuries, though he was hasty to let humanity know that it’s still on his radar.

“I just have a lot of on my plate right now,” explained Christ after reassuring us once again that he thinks about us all the time and will swing by when he gets the chance. “To be honest, it’s not really at the top of my to-do list, but definitely this millennium. I think. We’ll see how the decade goes.”

“Besides,” continued Jesus, “What’s the rush?”

When reminded of the various signs of the end times humanity has witnessed in the years since his resurrection, such as unprecedented natural disasters, devastating wars, and gay people, the Messiah was reportedly taken aback.

“Seriously?” he responded, laughing uncontrollably. “You should see what happens in 4025.”

As the Son of Man prepared to take off for “universe Seventy Four XY,” which kind of seemed like a made up excuse to dodge further questions, UGS inquired as to why this world did not seem like more of a priority for the beloved deity.

“I mean can you blame me?” Jesus responded. “Visiting you guys last time was great and all, but we all know how that ended. I’m good.”