HADES – Officials from Hell today have called for an immediate moratorium on the damnation of all the people who insist on grinding our gears, citing an unsustainable strain on the Earth’s only available underworld.
“We’ve gotten over five hundred people who tweeted spoilers for Scandal, and that’s just this week,” said Belphegor, a floor supervisor on the 7th Level. “Plus the usual horde of guys that definitely didn’t wash their hands after they used the bathroom, and the loud public phone conversation folks, and the compulsive one-uppers, and- I could go on. There’s just no way to budget for this.”
Sources confirm that Satan’s legions are currently scrambling to control the situation, as the overcrowded fiery pits have forced warlords and despots alike to share eternity with folks who take too long to use the ATM and drivers who force their way into the middle of the road before waiting to be let into the intersection like they’re not in the middle of the goddamn intersection already.
“Look, we all agree, [expletive] those people.” Said one unnamed demon while adding coal to a nearby lava lake full of loud chewers. “But please, be considerate. We only have so much space.”
The demon later admitted that at this point he’d rather be working in the much less strenuous Possessions department.
“This place used to be reserved for your Hitlers, your Mussolinis, slave masters, that sorta thing,” he explained. “That’s why I got into this business in the first place. But now we have to deal with people who don’t say thank you after you open the door for them? This is torture.”
At press time, UGS confirmed that the under-pressure Lucifer managed to stave off any malcontent caused by the influx with the opening of a new special place in hell, intended to give his minions somewhere to just get away from it all for a while.