Portia Calls Date to Call Date to Call Date to Call Elections

KINGSTON – Reminding the nation that the PNP is ready for battle, Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller has announced that the next political rally will reveal the location of the next political rally after that, in which there is some likelihood that the date of a press conference will be announced wherein an election related announcement will most likely be made, but was hasty to add that she’s not making any promises.  

“It’s time to fly [the] gate!” said the PM in a speech intended to mentally prepare her party base for whenever they get to find out when they will be entering the voting booth. “Right after an extended period of deliberation and false alarms that have nothing to do with trying to catch the Opposition unawares or the whole health sector thing. Let’s go!”

Responding to the Opposition’s subsequent suggestion that the PNP is not, in fact, ready to go to the ballot, as evidenced by the numerous missed opportunities to call the election so far, the party’s General Secretary Paul Burke reassured the country that “We are ready,” before adding that “we’re just checking to see if you’re ready too.”

“You see, that’s the beauty of leaving this decision solely in the hands of the ruling party for some reason,” Burke continued. “We can determine the future of the island at basically any time that’s convenient for us. It’s wonderful.”

Burke later clarified that by “us” he definitely meant all Jamaicans.

At a second warm up rally held later that day, the Prime Minister warned the electorate that she’s not above keeping up this little game for a whole additional year if those poll numbers don’t start looking up soon.

“You think I won’t wait til the very last minute to call this thing?” asked the PM, daring the Jamaican people. “Try me.”