MANDEVILLE – Retreating to the bathroom to avoid the looming threat of small talk, 23-year-old Jason Humes has confirmed that he has never felt more alone than he does right now at this party, and is currently attempting to ration the last fleeting moments with his phone as its battery percentage inches ever closer to the hell that is the single digit territory.
Humes revealed that in addition to not knowing anyone else at the gathering, which is reportedly way more intimate than he anticipated, the passionate nature of his accompanying friends’ new relationship along with his dwindling battery life have forced him to navigate the treacherous social landscape without the safety net of his cell phone.
“Normally I’d be scrolling through Instagram or Twitter right now, pretending I’m in the middle of some funny, engaging conversation that I’d rather be having,” he explained, after trying and failing to interject in his two friends’ on-going conversation about the sexual positions they had planned for each other later that night. “I’ll admit, I made a rookie mistake. But there must be a charger around here somewhere. There must be.”
Triggered by the tough decision to turn off all data capabilities in case he eventually needs the device to call a taxi, reports indicate that the isolated patron has since taken several trips to the bar and lingered there for a while before returning to his longtime friends who are reportedly now just holding hands and staring deeply into each other’s eyes.
“[Expletive]. Why didn’t I drive tonight?” asked the hopeless victim in a fit of panic after waving back at a person he erroneously assumed was acknowledging his existence. “Now I’m the creep who looks like he came alone to a random house party. [Expletive].”
UGS understands that the beleaguered guest’s plight has gone unnoticed by the loving pair, who sources confirm are having the time of their lives despite the nightmare scenario unfolding before their very eyes.
“Jason almost stayed home by himself tonight, can you imagine?” said Humes’ friend and designated driver for the night as he momentarily removed his tongue from the inside of his girlfriend’s mouth. “It really took some convincing. I don’t get it, he never wants to hang with us anymore.”
At press time, things took a turn for the worse as a desperate Humes was seen trying to make the most of the situation by forming new human connections with people he had never met before.