Rousey Pledges To Talk Things Out Next Time

CALIFORNIA – In the wake of her recent loss to 18-time boxing world champion Holly Holm, former undefeated MMA champion Ronda Rousey announced today that there’s something “unethical” about knocking people out, and shared plans to employ a more level-headed and diplomatic approach in all future bouts.

She described her new technique as simply talking all her issues out with her opponent in a calm and respectable manner so that nobody has to get hurt.

“I’ll admit, things got a little heated last time.” said Rousey, referring to the “uncalled for” escalation of their rivalry into a UFC Women’s Bantamweight Championship headline fight in Melbourne, Australia. “But we’re all adults here. I’m open to hashing everything out over a cup of coffee someday if she’s up for it.”

After months of trash-talking leading up to the fight, Rousey was “sucker punched” in a second round knockout which has been described as the greatest upset in UFC history, but which also led her to a life-changing epiphany: “Violence is never the answer.”

“I realized I never really thought about things from her point of view.” explained Rousey, weighing the value of fighting an opponent for the entertainment of millions of fans and a championship belt, over peace and harmony. “Let’s use our words – our constructive words – next time. Remember, it’s not an argument, it’s a discussion.”

Rousey was later asked if she still felt that Holm, who she previously stated should just be happy with her loser’s fee, was not champion material. “Well that all depends on what her priorities are,” said the pacifist, who has since begun a rigorous anger management programme to prepare for this conscientious new stage of her career.

“Sure we could keep up this toxic bravado, but I think we should focus on becoming champions of something more meaningful instead, like conflict resolution.”         

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