KINGSTON – Confirming the most harrowing fears of the Jamaican people, news outlets today are reporting that rumours of a nationwide takeover by our gay overlords are based in fact, and the country’s citizens have since been advised to prepare themselves for an unprecedented explosion of irrepressible homosexuality.
Reports indicate that the powerful people behind the scenes of the gay agenda have set their sights on Jamaica House, as a fleet of rainbow coloured military tanks was seen leaving homosexual stronghold J-FLAG and heading in that direction earlier today.
Once the office of the Prime Minister is captured, gay sources confirm, the LGBT masterminds will be one step closer to completing their long term plan of abolishing all forms of traditional love on the once-God fearing island for good.
“We’ve been trying to warn you all for years,” said a spokesperson from the Jamaica Coalition for a Healthy Society (JCHS), referring to all the human rights the gay community has been suspiciously agitating for up until this point. “Modern Family isn’t so funny now, is it?”
A statement released by the government today urged all Jamaicans to stay indoors with their wholesome families and enjoy the world as they know it until the inevitable gay outbreak subsumes us all completely.
“By the end of the week, Jamaica will probably be the world’s foremost homosexual state,” read the official press release. “Have sex with your wife or husband at least one last time while you still can.”
UGS understands that the homo-coup d’état will not stop at the gay desires likely coursing through your veins at this very moment, as citizens have also been warned to be wary of uncontrollable urges to commit acts of incest, zoophilia and, in some rare cases, even cunnilingus.