Joe Grind, Matey Coalition Encourages Nation to Boycott Holiday Season


KINGSTON – Lamenting that the holidays unfairly serve to strengthen the bonds of love and family in official relationships without due regard for anyone else, a local delegation of sidepieces appealed to the government today to skip the season altogether or maybe just not dwell on it so much.

The lobby group announced that its aim is to encourage everyone to stop and think about the truly less fortunate this Christmas season, so we can finally put an end to the discriminatory practice of a month long commitment to focusing on what is supposedly really important in life.

“Tis the season to get cockblocked.” said an unnamed Joe Grind as a host of his prospects announced plans to visit their loved ones and put an end to their cheating ways once and for all.

“Now they’re going to be exchanging gifts and meeting each other’s families and rediscovering what made them fall in love with each other in the first place, and it’s just not right.”

An unnamed matey added that even when they do manage to organize a rendezvous late at night, the Christmas spirit really “kills the whole vibe.”

“Can we go back to focusing on Jesus now? Like in Easter?” asked the matey, who has already reported a worrying drop in late night booty calls from the man she claims she was on the verge of stealing. “This [expletive] never happens in Easter.”

The coalition has since stated that if their demands are not met they will be forced to wait until early February to resume their activities once more, with another brief pause for Valentine’s Day as is tradition.