KINGSTON – After dropping vague hints about “your so-called friend” and later explaining that they promised not to tell, giddy inside sources revealed that 15-year-old Laura Haynes openly contemplated pulling the trigger on a potentially explosive piece of personal information that you have to swear on your life not to tell anyone else.
Once Haynes exposes the truth about that bitch Denise, who reportedly acts like she’s better than everyone else, experts say that the secret will begin its time honoured journey down a pipeline of trusted best friends, each of whom will in turn promise not to tell a single soul before passing it on to best friends of their own.
If all goes well the entire clandestine operation is expected to be completed by the end of the school day, at which point the secret, shared in a moment of shame, vulnerability, and desperation for human connection and guidance, should make its way back to Denise herself.
“I hear it has something to do with Kyle,” said two best friends down the line Sasha-Gay Raymore, who admitted that she knew something was “off” about her from that time they did that group project at J.C.’s house and she disappeared for like 20 minutes and came back like nothing happened. “But you didn’t hear it from me.”
“You know she missed three whole days last week.” added another confidante after looking over both shoulders and requesting not to be named. “Jeez, what a slut.”
Reports indicate that the secret could substantiate rumours that have been going around for days regarding an incident in the school bathroom which the principal alluded to in his tirade at assembly this morning, or possibly even- whoa- possibly even that whole talk we had to have on abortion last week. Laura really needs to just come out with it already.
As new details emerged, a well placed source revealed that Monique said, that Shara told her, that Kareem just told Lisa, that Kareem’s cousin said that he thought it was “funny” that you didn’t already know.
Oh my God. At press time- wow. At press time, Denise made eye contact with you in the hallway and then looked away really fast.