In what he insists is yet another textbook example of cosmetic deception, local marketing consultant Brian Arscott has revealed that the beautiful and engaging young woman he slept with last night was actually a reliable Japanese motor vehicle with flawless foundation.
The shocking discovery was made early this morning when the 31 year old Arscott woke up, rolled over, and barely recognized the alluringly well crafted woman that he took home the night before. That’s when it hit him: this is a car.
“Seriously? Again?” asked the frustrated bachelor who had been making sexual advances on the ‘88 Tercel for the past several weeks, and was reportedly just grateful he found someone attractive enough to introduce to his friends. “Gorgeous and quiet, I should have known it was too good to be true. Why on earth do women do this?”
A representative from MAC Cosmetics, who was dismissive of Arscott’s complaints, explained to UGS that with the unattainable standards everywhere from music videos to the Fast & the Furious franchise, sometimes an overlooked fuel-efficient vehicle just wants to feel pretty.
Although Arscott confirmed that he was aware his lover had applied considerable effort to ensure she looked her best, he could never have imagined that she came with a 1.5L turbo diesel engine and manual five-speed transmission.
“I thought something was up when she coyly let me climb inside her on the first date.” he explained. “But an ‘88 Tercel? I’m just glad I found out before she met my parents.”
After cutting all ties with the reasonably priced automobile, the victim had a few words of wisdom for anyone planning to put themselves out there. “Be careful because it’s just in their nature. They’ll do literally anything to trap you.”
UGS understands that Arscott later conceded that their chemistry was more important than her looks, and decided to continue dating the Tercel with the condition that she keep applying those natural contours.