NEW YORK – As part of a widely commended push for a more diverse news and commentary staff, Fox News Channel has reportedly hired minstrel show veteran Mark Cruger as their latest expert contributor, “mic droppin’ shade thrower,” and all-around lovable representative of the African American community.
The renowned actor, famous for roles in films such as Happy Nappy the Friendly Slave and Amos & Andy Take Chi-Town, hopes to bring a more balanced perspective to debates on all minority issues.
“With topics ranging from the blown out of proportion Oscars-So-White debacle to the continued insistence from protesters that only certain lives matter, we felt that it was a great time to have someone with Mark’s knowledge, insight, and colour-blindness on board,” explained CEO Roger Ailes.
“He knows these communities – he walks like them, talks like them, eats the same food, dances to the same beat, and is able and willing to speak for them too. He’s one jive mother[expletive], if i do say so myself.”
Ailes was later seen struggling to keep it together when the entertainer hilariously devoured a watermelon in front of his colleagues during the lunchroom stop on the tour of his new workplace.
Industry sources reveal that Fox has been closely eyeing Cruger since his calls for a nationwide end to black-on-black violence and dependence on welfare last year, signalling his rise to a leadership role in the burgeoning field of white commentary on the black experience.
“White privilege is not a real thing,” began Cruger to rapturous applause in his first official panel alongside contemporaries Stacey Dash and Raven Symone. “And what about the rights of our police officers? Who’s protesting for them? I sure do love fried chicken.”
At press time, national polls indicated an immediate Cruger surge against Donald Trump in the Republican race when the surprise candidate announced his nomination bid with a simple but effective slogan: “If you can say it, then we can say it too.”